(PPC Movie Theater. Agent Caleb Cooper sits in the front row, his chin resting on his fist. Seated next to him are Murdoc Niccals and 2D of the Gorillaz fandom. Murdoc is shirtless, as usual. Agent Adder is next to 2D, glancing warily at Murdoc from time to time.)
CALEB: (glaring at Murdoc) I can’t believe I had to threaten you with grievous bodily harm just to get you to wear pants.
2D: I’m still a little surprised ‘e actually put ‘em on.
CALEB: (rolls his eyes, then glances up at the camera) Hello, I’m Agent Caleb Cooper--
ADDER: --I’m Agent Adder--
CALEB: --And welcome to another Mystery Science Theater. Here with us today we have Murdoc Niccals and Stuart Tu- er, Pot, aka 2D, of the band Gorillaz.
MURDOC: I can’t believe I got talked into this shit again.
2D: I didn’t need much talkin’ into, I just wanted to get away from the whale...
ADDER: I don’t know who the hell you people are, but Caleb promised half his next paycheck in return for my partner’s cooperation, and Deuce said hell no, so I took the job.
MURDOC: (insulted) ...What? What the hell do you mean, you don’t know who I am?!
ADDER: (studies him thoughtfully) Though now that I think of it, you kind of remind me of my partner’s pet cat... (shrugs) In any case, I don’t listen to Gorillaz. Dethklok is better.
MURDOC: (splutters in disbelief)
CALEB: I invited a couple more riffers in, but they’re late, as usual...
(The door to the theater opens, and Agent Kestrel, in human form, practically dances in.)
KESTREL: (singing) You’ve got to press it on you, you just think it--
(Kenzie storms past her, slamming a book mark into a copy of Rise of the Ogre)
KENZIE: (ranting furiously) Caleb, after all the festering bull I went through to get this goddamn book, when I can’t even find the friggin’ section in Borders and when I do the guy can’t even find it because there’s only one damn copy because it’s a step away from being out of print and the shelf is about as organized as Jack’s mental processes and my mom’s giving me crap about not reading classics, you can’t even give me five dawgdamn minutes to myself to read the damn thing! This had better be pretty friggin’ impor--(catches sight of the guest riffers)--tant....
CALEB: You were saying?
KENZIE: ...Muh. I. ...Oh. (gestures vaguely behind her) ‘Scuse me, I’m gonna... go... work the projector. Or something. ... (She flees. Murdoc smirks and waves)
KESTREL: ...Yew tole me not to tell ‘er, Caleb. (grins at the canons and waves) Evenin’, mates, me name’s Kestrel. Big fan.
MURDOC: (looks her up and down, grinning disturbingly) Just how big a fan are you?
ADDER: (looks vaguely sickened)
KESTREL: (grabs him by the inverted cross around his neck and yanks him forward, then holds a dagger to his throat and smiles, showing her teeth) Afore yew say anyfin’ else ye’ll regret, dig the mud outta yore ears an’ pay ‘tention, will yer? Now, I knows all about yore liddle ‘abits, and I’m only gonner say this once, so shurrup an’ lissen good. I growed up ‘round thieves an’ murderers wot’d slit yore throat if’n they was bored, see? Usually I needs a reason ter do that, an’ if yew ain’t careful, I might jest find one. One false move from yew, sir, one word outta yore mouth wot I don’t like, an’ I’ll cockblock yer by kickin’ it til ye ‘ave a falsetto wot’d make Justin Bieber jealous. Any questions, dearie?
KESTREL: (releases him, pockets her dagger, and pats him on the cheek) Much better, mate. (plunks herself into the seat next to Adder)
ADDER: (leaning over 2D to whisper to Murdoc, looking impressed) Dude, she didn’t even hit you or anything! She must really like you.
MURDOC: (rubbing the back of his neck) Well, at least this time I got to be attacked by a pretty girl. You should have seen the last two - seriously, when I wish some girls would put more clothes on, there’s a problem.
KESTREL: Oi, Caleb, did yer not invite Jack? Liddle bugger allus manages ter make these things a mite less painful.
CALEB: (stares at her) You honestly want to be sitting in a room that contains both Jack AND Murdoc Niccals? The stench would kill us all.
MURDOC: Fuck you!
CALEB: (ignores him) Besides, you know he can’t see the screen, and I’d really rather not have to sit through the audio version.
(Hemlock leans out of the projection booth. Keep in mind he looks exactly like Laburnum with bad facial hair and a slightly deeper voice.)
HEMLOCK: Save the fightin’ for the riffin’, guys. (waves) Hi, Mr Niccals. Hi, Stuey.
2D: How come he’s “Mr Niccals” and I’m “Stuey”?
HEMLOCK: Because I respect him and pity you.
KESTREL: (stares at Hemlock like he’s crazy) ...Respect? Murdoc? ... (bursts out laughing) Ahahahahaharrharrharr! That’s a good’un, mate. Hahaha...respect Murdoc... yew shaved monkeys crack me up...
HEMLOCK: Hey, he is pretty much responsible for the band’s whole existence. Within the toon canon, anyway. And you gotta admire anyone who can survive drinking that much.
KESTREL: (conceding somewhat) Awright, so I’m impressed wiv yore accomplishments, Mudsie, but still. I’m sorry, matey, but the only Satanists I right respect are the Woodland Critters from South Park.
MURDOC: (glares briefly at Kestrel, speaks to Hemlock) I like your style, kid. (squints up at him) You look familiar ... wait, are you related to that tubby bird with the axe? The one who hangs out with the skinny one-eyed bint, dragged me into the last one of these?
HEMLOCK: Whaddya mean tub- uh, I mean, sort of. M’name’s Hemlock. Laburnum didn’t feel like coming along, so I’m filling in.
KESTREL: Er, Murdoc? That is-- (Adder elbows her in the ribs)--yeowch!
ADDER: (whispering too quietly for Murdoc to hear) No, don’t, this’ll be great!
MURDOC: Ah, so you’re the mystery feller ... yer sister doesn’t seem to like talkin’ about you much.
CALEB: There’s a very good reason fo--
ADDER and KESTREL: Shut up, Caleb!
HEMLOCK: Oh yeah, there was, uh ... (inventing a story on the spot) ... a bit of an incident with her boyfriend and we haven’t spoken to each other for a bit.
KESTREL: (to Murdoc, playing along) Oh, aye, like there was that “bit of an incident” wid yew an’ 2D’s ole girlfriend, am I right? If yer know wot I mea--
ADDER: Kestrel, stop helping.
HEMLOCK: Yeah! That was it. I, uh, kind of had a thing going with her boyfriend for a while. Since she met him, in fact. But I’m not too worried. We’re too close for her to be angry with me for long. (tries to hide sniggering) Why, we’ve got such a strong bond sometimes people say it’s almost like we’re the same person!
KESTREL: ‘Ave a care, mate, afore yew give ‘im the wrong idea.
MURDOC: (nods sagely) Oh yeah, I’ve heard twins get that sometimes. (whispering conspiratorially to others) Bit too close, if you ask me.
KESTREL: (nods vigorously in agreement) Oh, aye, an’ not jest wiv twins, neither. I allus thought there was somefin’ funny about jest ‘ow much yer brother liked beatin’ yer u--
CALEB: God DAMN it, Kestrel, do not make me come over there!
KESTREL: (smiling innocently) No need fer that, mate, I’m done. Fer now.
MURDOC: (flips Kestrel off) Well, anyway, that sister of his made comments about some personal habits of his which I’m pretty sure she shouldn’t be noticing in her brother, if you know what I mean. Weirdoes. Funny, I had her pegged as a dyke ... I mean, come on. She wasn’t interested in me.
(Hemlock, smirking, shuts the projection booth window. We hear girlish shrieks of uncontrollable laughter from the booth.)
MURDOC: (looks up) Is that her in there with him now? I could swear that’s her laughing, but there’s something off about it ...
CALEB: (quickly) Well, Kenzie went up there, remember?
KESTREL: (whispering to Adder between snickers) Doesn’t Kenzie not know about who ‘Emlock is?
ADDER: (giggling helplessly) No... no she doesn’t.
2D: (thoroughly confused) Why’s everyone laughin’? Wot’d I miss?
KENZIE: (slams open the booth window) Alright we’re starting it now shut up and riff! (slams it shut again)
(Laughing from the booth dies down. Lights go down. 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...)
Lullabies, Anal Rape and Dental Hygiene
ALL: (shocked silence)
2D: Buh... what?
MURDOC: Well that’s an odd combination.
KESTREL: Ter the author’s credit, ‘least we know exactly wot we’re gettin’ into.
ADDER: (mutters to her) Geez, why don’t they just call it “Murdoc Rapes 2D” and call it a day?
CALEB: (ignores everyone, staring at the title) ...In that order?
HEMLOCK: (leans out of the booth, smirking) Oh, did I mention there’s a camera in the front of the room? Awesome shot of your faces just now.
MURDOC: You’re evil.
HEMLOCK: Want me to send you a closeup of 2D’s horrified look?
MURDOC: ... You’re the kind of evil I like. Yes.
(Hemlock grins, goes back into the booth, and shuts the window.)
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Gorillaz.
CALEB: Well of course you don’t know them. From where you stand, they don’t exist.
I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
ADDER: At least I’m making money from riffing it.
“Alright, alright…let me think…Um…Once upon a time, there was a goddess… And a hunter. She was beautiful. And he wanted her. So he did something kind of crazy,”
CALEB: He wrote a fanfic. About Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy. Involving coffee.
ADDER: (facepalming) Oh, dude, come on...
KESTREL: (equally disgusted) Doncher think this’ll be painful enough wivout yew bringin’ that’un up?
2D: Wot’d they do wiv coff--
KESTREL: (points frantically at the screen) ‘Ey look, mates, the fic’s movin’ on!
“He shot her and ate her?”
“…No. He shot her with a love arrow…
ADDER: Actually, it was a sword that was also a gun. That shoots arrows.
KESTREL: No, mate, lightsabers. Which are also on fire.
And they lived happily ever after,”
CALEB: And they rode winged marshmallows to the sherbet kingdom.
ADDER: Dude, Yahtzee Croshaw does not deserve to be compared to this crap.
“Night Noodle love,” 2D switched off her light and sighed to himself. He’d been telling her stories all night.
ADDER: Except they weren’t really stories, because the pages were made of lasers and the words were made of headless women making godless love to dragons made out of motorcycles.
KESTREL: But it was still readin’.
CALEB: I’m going to murder you both in your sleep.
The last once was actually a Britney Spears fragrance commercial. But that wasn’t important. She’d been having nightmares and needed a bedtime story ever since zombies attacked her while she was sleeping.
KESTREL: Wot? Aw, c’mon, any zombie wot tries ter attack Noodle when she’s tryin’ t’sleep is in fer a nasty, painful surprise.
CALEB: Well, so’s this author, if Noodle ever finds this fic. Hell, I could write a fanfic about just that.
He padded down the hall sleepily. He’d stretch out on his big comfy bed and sleep in till mid afternoon.
2D: (sings) I wanna be a producer, an’ sleep until half-past t- (Murdoc slaps him) -ow!
After doing his teeth like a good boy,
2D: (alarmed) I did what?
ADDER: (rubbing her face) Ah, boy.
KESTREL: Wot can yer even do wid teeth? (sees Murdoc is about to answer) Rhetorical question! ‘Twas a rhetorical question!
D stretched out and yawned. It was a warm night, so he was wearing…well nothing.
CALEB: You know, Laburnum and Foxglove raised an excellent point about this. It’s never mentioned that he takes off his clothes, he’s just... naked the whole time.
MURDOC: (glares at 2D) You better not have been wandering around starkers in front of young Noodle. I’m the only one who was allowed to be inappropriate in front of her, okay?
ADDER: What happened in that mission? I still remember when me and Deuce had to do Bad Slash... nasty. Was it bad?
CALEB: Yes. Then Murdoc here put up a fight, and poor Laburnum had to wrestle him to the ground. And he was still naked.
KESTREL: (horrified) ...Hellsteeth an’ Darkgates, mate, she ‘ad ter do WOT?! That’s... jest... oh, sweet Vulpuz, ‘ang on a tic. (quickly turns around, leans over the back of her chair, and vomits)
MURDOC: (is clearly insulted) Is there something wrong with that?
KESTREL: (slides back into her seat) Mudsie, darlin’, don’t take this the wrong way, but after I watched that last bit in the Cribs thing, I couldn’t bring meself ter eat fer the rest o’ the day. Then I saw the Motorola commercial, an’ I was only dry heavin’ after that‘un ‘cos I hadn’t eaten nuffin’. The images ‘aunt me nightmares t’this very day.
MURDOC: Fuck you! (mutters to 2D) And for the record, I still would. Hehe.
It suddenly struck him.
(Murdoc suddenly slaps 2D over the head. 2D scowls at Murdoc, who sniggers.)
When are you at your most venerable?
When you’re asleep.
ADDER: ... (pulls a dictionary out from under her chair and flicks through it) Hmm, let’s see... vein, Velcro, venereal... here we are. Venerable: adjective. Worthy of respect by reason of age, dignity, or position. ...Since when does going to sleep get you respect?
CALEB: Well, if you were that guy from The Lathe of Heaven, it might...
Ignoring this little voice, he began to drift and was in that wonderful little spot that last about 5 or so minutes where you’re not asleep but not awake and a bit of both and everything is wonderful…
ADDER: Look out behind you! It’s the Stalking Mangina!
Murdoc opened the door to his room without a sound.
CALEB: (shrugs) Eh, close enough.
The flamin’ idiot wouldn’t hear him anyway. He was too busy sleeping.
ADDER: (to Murdoc) They seem to have you mixed up with Edward Cullen, sir.
MURDOC: Oh FUCK no!
2D: Well, I ‘eard Robert wossisname is tryin’ to scare the fangirls off by not takin’ baths now, so- (Murdoc hits him) -ow!
When are you at your most vulnerable?
When you’re asleep.
2D: Well, they spelled it right this time ... I fink ... but some’ow I doubt that means it’s gonna get better.
Murdoc grinned and stood over the D.
KESTREL: (as Murdoc) My precioussssss.
(Adder doubles up, giggling.)
MURDOC: Wait a minute, “the” D? How come he gets a definite article?
CALEB: Can we make up our damn minds here? Is he Edward Cullen, Death Eater Ron, or the Stalking Mangina? Which is it?
Little prat. Sexy prat though.
KESTREL: Can’t argue wi’ that.
ADDER: (gives her a funny look) What?
KESTREL: (grins at 2D) Dunno if’n ye’ve ‘eard this from other beasts, but yew sir, are the sexiest thing since sex. An’ that ain’t somefin’ I say often about ‘umans.
CALEB: (in a tone that suggests he’s said this before) Stop sexually harassing canons, Kestrel.
D rolled onto his back, mouth open. Murdoc covered D’s mouth as he settled onto his hips.
CALEB: (monotone) And then Murdoc striped him and then he raped him and then 2D said “go away you bastard”...
MURDOC: Okay, now we know what’s going to happen there’s no point staying ... (stands up to leave)
CALEB: (pulls Murdoc back into his seat) Sit. Riff.
D’s eyes shot open. He tried to struggle, but his skinny hips were pinned.
“Shh…” Murdoc cooed. “Don’t make a sound,”
(2D and Murdoc exchange glances and edge away from each other.)
Like fuck he wouldn’t make a sound! D screamed.
MURDOC: Smartest thing he’s ever done.
And screamed and…oh fuck it, this was useless. Now what?!
2D: I’m not sure I want to know the answer to that question.
MURDOC: Well, we’re stuck finding out anyway. Tough luck, Tosspot.
CALEB: (dryly) Prepare for levels of fun equalled only by getting your head stuck in a toilet in Disneyland.
2D: That doesn’t sound like fun. Even if it’s in Disneyland, your ‘ead’d still be in a toilet.
CALEB: (Sarcasm Mode) Well I’m glad that you’re here to tell us these things. Kestrel, take the professor back to the restroom and shove his head in a toilet.
ADDER: (to 2D) I bet your head saw the inside of a lot of toilets when you were little, didn’t it?
KESTREL: (looking ill) Can youse stop talkin’ about ‘eads fer a minute?
KESTREL: (sings) ...a lumberjack and he’s okay! He sleeps all night and he works all day!
ADDER: (joining in) He chops down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press wildflowers! He puts on women’s clothing and hangs about in bars!
CALEB: Guys, I think you’re mixing him up with Russel.
ADDER: Oho, snap.
2D: Where is Russel, anyway? Hello? Bandmate screaming for help here?!
MURDOC: Basic rule of our fandom, Faceache; nobody cares about Russel. Lucky bastard.
KENZIE: (opens the booth window) I do! (shuts the window)
KESTREL: Follerin’ that line o’ thought, where’s Noodle? If she’s speakin’ co’erent English an’ there’re zombies in Kong, then she’s a teenager wiv full memories o’ super-soldier trainin’. Doubt she’d let yer get away wiv somefin’ like this. Plus, everybeast loves ‘er, so there’s no excuse there.
Oh God. He’s going to fucking kill me! Murder me for some elaborate Satanic ritual!
KESTREL: (falsetto) ‘E wants to eat yer blud!
ADDER: Murdoc wants you, BLEEDERS!
I’ll be dead and my organs will be grilled and served to naked virgins and then they’ll be raped and killed and burned and their ashes will be turned into bread and the bread will be sent to schools and then schoolchildren will eat it and…and…
CALEB: Well, that or he’ll just eat your liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
ADDER: Or absinthe.
MURDOC: Technically, most of those organs are still mine.
2D: Y-you wouldn’t really do that, would you?
MURDOC: Are you joking, denthead? Then I’d have to find another bloody singer!
Wait a second…
KESTREL: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Holy fucking shit, he’s going to rape me!
ADDER: They’re eating her... And then they’re going to eat me!
CALEB: Oh my GOOOOOOOOOOOD.
2D: (looks very unhappy) Eek.
ALL (except 2D and Adder): GOD!
Little fucker. He doesn’t know what’s coming to him. He fucking deserves it though! Walking around Kong only in his underwear.
CALEB: This coming from the guy who makes a habit of... walking around Kong only in his underwear.
KESTREL: Or in a hand towel. Or a thong. All three o’ which put me off me brekkist. And me lunch an’ dinner, too. (pauses, thinking) I lost a lotta weight that week...
Showing off his pretty white ass to the groupies. Enough to turn anyone to rape! I pull off my shirt and tie it around his mouth, removing my hand.
KESTREL: (wails) Mates, the bleeders are doin’ it again!
ADDER: Limb removal seems to be the one fetish all bad smut writers have in common. Except for Raketooth the Amazing Three-Armed Fox, maybe ...
CALEB: Jokes aside, did you notice how he pulled off his shirt and tied it around 2D’s mouth, and then took his hand away? How did he do that?
MURDOC: Practice ... Wait, how come I was wearing clothes while I was wandering around the building, but Faceache wasn’t? Not fair.
Ew, he’s slobbered on me. I can hear him screaming from behind the gag.
CALEB: I can hear him mentally screaming from over here.
ADDER: I didn’t know you had telepathy like that Cullen kid.
CALEB: (in a strained voice) I don’t. Maybe it’s just my own internal agony I’m hearing. It’s hard to say.
KESTREL: A sexy shoeless god of war!
(2D looks down at his feet in puzzlement.)
OH FUCKING GOD! THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING!
MURDOC: (bad falsetto, as 2D) I HAVE NO INDOOR VOICE!!
ADDER: (at the top of her lungs) YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! Damn you! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
I’m going to be RAPED. In my OWN ROOM. And it’s going to hurt SO MUCH!
2D: Some’ow I don’t fink it’d hurt less if ‘e did it in a different room.
ADDER: Not in the Room of Requirement. Then at least you could summon some lube or something.
MURDOC: That might explain the lube that randomly appeared in the last one, come to think of it ...
CALEB: Does it really? It didn’t actually show up until they didn’t need it anymore.
KESTREL: (snickers) Expecto petroleum!
There’s nothing more painful than being ANALLY RAPED!!
(All except 2D burst out laughing.)
ADDER: (between giggles) Su... sure there is! Like--heehee!--childbirth!
CALEB: Twilight vampire venom!
KESTREL: Readin’ this story!
2D: Bein’ run over twice! (glares at Murdoc)
MURDOC: Kidney stones!
KESTREL: Gettin’ bludgeoned in the ‘ead by a berserk PPC agent wiv an oversized bell!
MURDOC: Hahaha--wait, what?! (hears giggling from projection booth and glares up) Did she tell everyone about that?
ADDER: (getting carried away) Ooh! Getting anally raped with a spea--
KESTREL: We don’t talk about that’un, cully.
2D: What one?
KESTREL: (glaring at Adder) The one I’m gonna re-enact on Adder if’n she brings it up agin.
I’m so scared I start to cry.
KESTREL: (sings) ...a superstar wiv a big big ‘ouse an’ a big big car! Murdoc is a superstar an’ ‘e don’t care who yew are!
Oh, the little shit’s started to cry. I roughly grab him and flip him onto his stomach. His sobs become louder.
“Shh…” I whisper as I start to choke him. That’ll shut him up.
ADDER: ...blasphemy! 2D is madness!
HOLY SHIT, HE’S TRYING TO CHOKE ME! HE’S GOING TO KILL ME THEN COMMIT NECROPHILIA!! OH GOD!!
2D: Nah, you need five exclamation marks for- (Adder pokes him)
KESTREL: (studying the screen) Actually, there are five of ‘em in that last bit. At least, five in all.
ADDER and CALEB: (yelling in unison) SPARTA! (they high-five)
Yes…he’s become quieter. Fucking finally. My hands take leave from his neck for now. I try to strip off my jeans while sitting on his thighs, but it’s increasingly difficult.
ADDER: (giggles) He was wearing women’s underpants.
KESTREL: (snickers) 2D was wearin’ ‘em too.
BOTH: (stifled laughing) They realized that they were all men of the lord. (laugh and brofist)
CALEB: I’m going to have to suffer a lot of Thirty H’s jokes from you two, aren’t I?
MURDOC: (surprisingly indifferent) Well, I’m sure that’s someone’s fetish.
So I stand for one second, pushing him down with one hand. He very easily could’ve kicked me in the knee and made a break for it. But he just lies there, shaking and crying like a good little boy.
CALEB: I wonder why he’s just lying there? Perfectly good opening for escape.
ADDER: Well, if that Murdoc guy removed his hand earlier, maybe 2D pulled a Skipper and dropped his body.
KESTREL: (blinks, then grins maliciously) Wait, I fink I know why...
CALEB: What...? (sees Kestrel’s look, then glances back at the text) ...Kestrel, I don’t have to be Edward Cullen to see where you’re going with this. Trust me, it’s not worth it.
KESTREL: (cackles) (sings) He’s got no strings ter ‘old ‘im up!
MURDOC: ... I hate you.
KESTREL: ... Well I like yew, Mudsie.
MURDOC: (smirks) When you say “like”-
KESTREL: It means I’ll try not ter use lethal force on yer, ‘cos I know it’s pretty ‘ard ter play the bass when yore tryin’ ter shove yer guts back in.
I settle onto his backside, placing my hands onto his sides. My erection is resting just above his hole.
2D: (trembles, eyes wide)
ADDER: (pokes 2D) Are you okay? You’re starting to go tharn.
2D: (screams suddenly) SEATS! I need to switch seats! Now! I’d rather sit next to the crazy lady with the knife!
ADDER: *blink, blink* O... kay... (switches seats with 2D) Better?
(2D nods vigorously. Cries of “D’awwwwww!” are heard from the projection booth.)
MURDOC: What are you worried about, denthead? If I was gonna pull something like this, I had all the time when you were in a coma.
(Other riffers simultaneously turn to stare at him)
MURDOC: ...That came out wrong.
But for some reason I feel pity for him. I cautiously poke a finger in first.
CALEB: (to Murdoc) You have a... very odd concept of “pity”.
2D: (shudders) Why did I agree to do this?
MURDOC: The evidence suggests you’re stupid, Faceache.
2D: Then why did you agree to do this?
MURDOC: I was drunk and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Then when I sobered up pastyface here (gestures to Caleb) said if I didn’t stay he’d tell that kid Molly I wanted to hear her sing, and I still think this is better than her. (shudders)
MURDOC: ... deeply regrettin’ showing up here.
Ow…what is that? If this is it, then I’ve really underestimated anal rape.
MURDOC: Why do they keep specifying? Unless Faceache’s had some radical surgery and not told me, I don’t know where else it’d be going.The surgery wouldn’t surprise me much, though, I always thought he was fuckin’ girly ...
ADDER: (haunted look) Please don’t make me describe the alternatives.
KESTREL: (sings) -a bitch, he’s a big fat bitch, he’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, he’s a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch, he’s a bitch to all the boys and girls!
I plunge another finger in…and another…very soon I’ve got all 4 fingers in.
MURDOC: Oh, that reminds me. I never did find that shotgun, did I?
2D: Not this again...
ADDER: Not what again?
CALEB: Er... at one point, a badficcer made Murdoc fire a shotgun that hadn’t been there in the previous text, and now he’s convinced he can Malletspace.
ADDER: ...Dare I ask why this particular part of the text brought that to mind?
CALEB: Can we not get into this? I read that MST and the mental image was bad enough.
He starts to whimper. At least now he won’t make so much noise.
KESTREL: (stares horror-struck at the text, ignoring everyone else) ‘E jest shoved ‘arf ‘is paw inter 2D’s arse! I ain’t felt this sick since the MST o’ Martin an’ Boar!
MURDOC: (grinning) Well well, now he might as well be a Muppet instead of just sounding like one!
ADDER: At least Murdoc and 2D are roughly the same size, Kestrel. And species, for that matter.
CALEB: Well, since there are a lot of fan rumors about Murdoc having demonic parentage, that’s definitely up for debate.
2D: Well, I reckon it’s still close enough. Er, what’s Martin and--
KESTREL: By askin’ me that, yore implyin’ that ye actually wants ter know.
I draw my fingers out, and then slide my cock in slowly…
2D: (whimpers and cringes)
KESTREL: (ruffles 2D’s hair) Arr, cheer up, mate. Could allus be worse.
CALEB: Well, the whale could be joining in.
KESTREL: Nay, cully, they’re in Kong, amember? Worry more about Cortez, or that monkey wot’s allus follerin’ Noodle ‘round.
MURDOC: Oh come on, even the Harry Potter fans aren’t that crazy ... right?
CALEB: Well there was that thing in Twilight with Jasper Cullen and the talking panda... and My lmmortal turned Hedwig the owl into a male human and paired him with Tom Riddle ... and I think someone actually did post a drawing of 2D apparently enduring unwanted advances from the whale somewhere on devArt ... then there’s Naga Eyes, and Chocobo Nights, and Artemis’ Lover ... yes, I think we can safely say the fans are that crazy.
KESTREL: (with sudden alarm) ‘Old ‘ard, mate, ain’t there a talkin’ polar bear in Kong?
2D: ... very sorry I asked!
OH DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?
CALEB: That’th a cock, hey-o!
ADDER: Murdoc has a venom cock? (shudders) No. Just no. (glances at the text) Wait, is 2D’s reaction implying that Murdoc’s penis is more painful than his hand? What, does the thing have spines like on a cat?
MURDOC: Nope. It’s just that big. Sorry, Faceache, the whale not being there isn’t much help in that area.
KESTREL: I demand a second opinion. (yells up to the booth) Hoi, Hemlock! Did, eh... did yer sister say anyfin’ about the size o’ Murdoc’s willy?
HEMLOCK: (leans out of the booth) Dunno about any exact measurements, but ... well, remember that fic which said Jacob Black’s looked like a “horrible wet mushroom”? Yeah. (closes booth window, then opens it and leans out again) And she assures me mine is bigger. (closes window. 2D tries to hide his giggling.)
MURDOC: (splutters indignantly) Little smartarse ... wait, do I want to know how she made that comparison?
KESTREL: Prob’ly not. Theirs is a ... unique relationship. (snickers)
MURDOC: ...running out of patience. Tell me again how this could be worse?
CALEB: Polar bear threesome.
KESTREL: Or they could ‘ave ye pullin’ this stunt wiv Phase One Noodle.
MURDOC: ...Can you point me to any fans who do that? Cyborg Noodle needs target practice.
2D: ‘Cos you’re concerned for the real Noodle’s welfare or ‘cos you don’t want the other fans to hate you?
KESTREL: Or ye could be doin’ this wiv Russel. And ye’d be on the bottom.
CALEB: Don’t forget the cyborg. Or El Diablo, or your Winnebago. I hear Cargo Shipping is very in.
KESTREL: Furries. (sniggers)
KENZIE: (leans out of the booth) Acid lube!
HEMLOCK: (yelling from inside booth) TENTACOO WAPE!
MURDOC: ...Is alcohol allowed in here yet?
He’s not as stretched out as I first thought. There’s a lot of muscle trying to keep me out.
ADDER: Wedge! Pull out! You’re not doing any good back there!
KESTREL: Bit early fer that, mate. Bugger’s not even in yet.
I push in a bit harder and feel the muscles squeeze my cock and fuck that does feel good…
CALEB: Th-this is my hole! It was made for me! Tell my mom goodbye!
KESTREL: ‘Ere’s ‘opin’ it comes out as spaghetti noodles on the other side.
ADDER: Wait... if it’s just his penis going in... (shudders and crosses her legs) I don’t even have a penis and yet ow my penis.
MURDOC: (looking somewhat concerned) What?
ADDER: Nothing! Nothing at all!
Caleb: Terrified. Really, I can smell it from here.
2D: What? What d’you mean by that? I didn’t wet myself! You can’t prove it!
…I think I’m going to die…
MURDOC: So he gets to leave this stupid thing early? Some people have all the luck.
KESTREL: (sings) ...a super, king, kameha-meha beyotch!
I push in as hard and fast as I can. There’s a few seconds of resistance, a terrible scream from dullard and then there’s nothing.
CALEB: No, there were no screams. There was no time. There was only fire. Then there’s nothing.
KESTREL: (sings) Oh liddle town in USA, yore time ‘as come t’see...
No resistance, the muscles seem to give up completely. I grin and try to get a rhythm going. Every push in emits a squall
ADDER: Is that like in Uzumaki where sudden movements cause tornadoes?
and a shiver down his spine.
MURDOC: This is just ridiculous.
CALEB: (shrugs) Meh. Not really.
KESTREL: (counts off on her fingers) Considerin’ yew beat the snot outta ‘im on a reg’lar basis, ye’ve run ‘im over twice, yew did inappropriate fings wiv ‘is former girlfriend and ruined all ‘is other relationships, yew’ve kidnapped ‘im, stolen ‘is organs, sold ‘is belongin’s online, an’ ‘ave been nuffin’ but an all-around dickweed ter him an’ everybeast else, it really isn’t that surprisin’ that some fans take the extra step. Trust me, bucko, I’ve seen ships founded on less. Not t’mention those looked like yore teethmarks on ‘is neck on the Demon Days cover.
MURDOC: (scowling) But do they really think I’d pull this when there’s a possibility that Russel might walk in? I’ve had my nose broken five times already, and I like my limbs where they are. It’s insulting, how careless this author seems to think I am.
KESTREL and CALEB: ... (exchange glances)
2D: Since Russel’s not around at Plastic Beach, that ain’t too reassurin’ ...
CALEB: (rolls his eyes at Murdoc) Careless? This coming from the guy who hatched a plan to get rid of his stalker and ended up getting rid of his guitarist instead.
CALEB: (smirks slightly) That’s right, I went there.
MURDOC: (punches Caleb, and immediately regrets it) OWW! What the fuck?!
CALEB: (monotone) Ha-ha. That tickles.
MURDOC: I think I broke my hand! What the hell-- people aren’t supposed to be hard as a rock!
CALEB: That’s not what your mom said last night.
ADDER: ...the terror that flaps in the night!
Oh…fuck…Oh God! I’d cry more, but it seems pointless. Oh…
2D: (squeaky) I’m in pain and I’m still ‘ysterical! (smiles half-heartedly)
MURDOC: (rubbing his hand while glaring at Caleb) No, really, what the ‘ell are you?
CALEB: None of your damn business.
KESTREL: He’s a vampire, mate. From Twilight.
ADDER: No lie. He sparkles and everything. I think I have a UV pen on me. Wanna see?
CALEB: ...No, really, I’m going to murder you both in your sleep.
MURDOC: (snickers) I think my hand’s feeling better.
KESTREL: (sings) ...a mean ole bitch, and he has stupid hair--
2D: I can’t believe that’s wot you’re objectin’ to.
There’s something resembling a pace emerging. Every so often I hit a particular spot that makes him cry louder, cringe more and clench his muscles. That’s right dullard, you fucking love it.
2D: No, I don’t think I do!
MURDOC: (as if to reassure himself) Could be worse. We could be reading Twilight.
CALEB: (gives him a withering look) Ever read Twilight, Murdoc?
MURDOC: (sneers) No, but having to spend ten minutes in this hole with you makes me want to read it even less. (pauses and thinks for a moment) Come to think of it, why are you even in the PPC? I thought they were supposed to be killing those Mary Sue things.
CALEB: ...Excuse me?
ADDER: (muttering to Kestrel) Green Bassist needs punching. Badly.
KESTREL: (smirks in Caleb’s direction) Green Bassist is about t’die.
MURDOC: (not hearing them) I’m just saying, I heard their policy was pretty much “If it sparkles, kill it.”
CALEB: (snarls, gets up) That is it! I have had just about enough of your--
(A loud, shrill female voice cuts him off.)
VOICE: WHAT? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE I HATE YOU YOU SUCK I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA BE MARRIED AND HAVE A FAMILY. BUT NO. Did YOU ENJOY HIS CUM? CUZ YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ANY EVER AGAIN YOU WILL NEVER SEE EACH OTHE-- (Murdoc pulls out his phone and fiddles with it) --*beep*
2D: Wot the f- was that Suzi Winstanley’s voice?
MURDOC: Sorry about that, it’s just my ringtone. (calls up to the booth) Pause it for a second, will you?
(Fic stops scrolling. Kenzie and Hemlock lean out.)
HEMLOCK: (gleeful) Oh. My. God. You actually did use that as your ringtone? Wait’ll I tell Foxglove! I think she’s got “what the hell are you doing you motherfukers” for hers ... (sniggers uncontrollably)
KESTREL: (wiggles a finger in her ear) I amember that bit... did yer really need to ‘ave it on loud?
MURDOC: (ignores her, presses a button) Go a’ead, you’re on speaker.
FEMALE VOICE: Hiii! Murdoc? Is that you?
MURDOC: (starts visibly) ...How did you get this number?
(Adder discreetly gets up and pushes a seething Caleb back into his seat.)
FEMALE VOICE: I borrowed your phone while you were asleep!
ADDER: (sits back down) That voice sounds... oddly familiar.
FEMALE VOICE: I just had a tiny little question, if you have a second.
CALEB: (calming down, stares at the phone in disbelief) Is... is that Lux?
KESTREL: (horrified) Ah, Mudsie, yew didn’t...
MURDOC: Oh ... oh, yeah, Lux! Yeah, I remember. Once seen, never forgotten ... (looks up and mouths Help!)
CALEB: (mutters) You got yourself into this one, Murdoc.
LUXURY: Anyway, sweetie? Do you know where my purse is? I haven’t been able to find it since the other night... which was great, by the way...
(Adder leans over the back of her chair and vomits on the floor behind them.)
HEMLOCK: Oh, you cannot tell me you’re surprised this happened.
MURDOC: (leaning away from the phone as if it might bite him) Uh, no, haven’t seen it, darlin’.
LUXURY: (disappointed) Really? That’s too bad... I was going to give you your wallet back as soon as I found it...
KESTREL: (splutters in a vain attempt to stifle laughter)
MURDOC: (looks like he really, really wants to start cursing) Uh, wait, I think I remember seeing it ... somewhere ...
2D: Oh, just give it back to her, Murdoc!
LUXURY: Stuey? Is that you? Aww, is my poor ickle Stuey okay?
MURDOC: (looks at 2D) Uh, did you and Lux-
2D: I’ve been trapped in an underwater cell for months with just a whale and a Blu-ray player for company! ‘Less you count that creepy little girl who keeps portallin’ in from ‘ere. I ‘ad a few minutes alone when I went to the bathroom ‘fore the theatre door got locked, an’ she comes up an’, well, wot’d you fink I was gonna do?
ADDER: (sits back down, wiping her mouth on a tissue) Figures.
CALEB: (taps Murdoc on the shoulder) Come to think of it, if Lux was wandering around Plastic Beach, you might want to check on that cyborg of yours later... and Cortez, too, if he’s still around.
HEMLOCK: Wait, “creepy little girl”? Huh, better tell the guys Molly’s found their portal password again ...
KESTREL: (calls over) Lux, did yer get the one wiv Murdoc on tape? I ‘ear somebeast misplaced a few o’ the No-Drool videos, an’ they needs replacements ‘til they find ‘em agin.
LUXURY: Yeah, actually, I did!
CALEB: Send it to me! I can speed it up and set it to Yakkety Sax!
MURDOC: Have I mentioned recently that I hate you all?
KESTREL: ...Well I like y--
MURDOC: Shut up.
HEMLOCK: Didja tape the one with 2D? We can sell that one online!
MURDOC: Okay, that idea I like. Oi, Two Dents, looks like you’ve got a fanboy. (sniggers)
KESTREL: (looks disturbingly eager) Oh, aye, I’d buy that’un.
HEMLOCK: Huh, I didn’t peg him as your type. Since he’s, y’know ... (mouths “Human” - only Kestrel notices)
KESTREL: (grin widens) I likes ‘em skinny. Not like podgy ol’ Mudsie ‘ere, built like a water rat. An’ wot c’n I say? Youse ‘re growin’ on me. Countin’ 2D I got mebbe... three, I fink... aye, three ‘umanoid Lust Objects.
MURDOC: Who are you calling “podgy”?
HEMLOCK: Oi, guys, did you at least remember to use protection? The world doesn’t need another Lux, and you two are, um, notoriously fertile.
2D: (to self) Just when I thought there was nuffin’ that could possibly be more humiliatin’ than readin’ that story ...
MURDOC: For once I agree. Look, Luxury, if that is your name, I’m kind of busy watching some fangirl’s idea of me doing things even I don’t want to describe to the dullard, so if you could call back later ...
LUXURY: Ooh, can I come and watch?
MURDOC & 2D: NO!
MURDOC: (grabs the phone and switches it off, then glares at the others) Don’t you dare say anything. Don’t you dare.
KENZIE: (to Hemlock) Dude, there are so many things people could say at a time like this... but damn it if I can’t think of a single one. Just watch, in about an hour it’ll come to me.
HEMLOCK: So, should we start the fic rolling again?
2D: Do you have to?
KENZIE and HEMLOCK: Yes.
2D: Murdoc, are you sure you need me alive now the album’s done? ‘Cos if you don’t-
MURDOC: I’m not killing you, denthead. Then who’d put the bullet through my skull?
KESTREL: Don’ lookit me, cullies, I’m still ‘oldin’ out fer yore next album.
(Kenzie and Hemlock look at each other, shrug, and close the window. Lights go down and fic starts rolling again.)
2D: ... gonna puke. (He leans forward and vomits. Murdoc pulls his feet up onto his seat to protect his boots and glares at 2D.)
CALEB: (with a long-suffering sigh) Well, so much for banning hooch to avoid that.
This isn’t right. Because…yes, it hurts. It hurts more than anything I’ve ever experienced. But at the same time…it feels fucking amazing.
KESTREL: (shrugging apologetically) It ‘appens, mate.
2D: It’s not enough they’re ‘aving me get raped, but they’re making me enjoy it, too?
MURDOC: (grins disturbingly again) I guess I’m just that good. Or maybe you really are that big a slu-
ADDER: (elbows him hard in the stomach)
KESTREL: A slut? Where?
CALEB: Stop riffing on the riffs, Kestrel.
MURDOC: (glares at Adder) Yankee bitch.
ADDER: Limey bastard.
No. This isn’t right. Rape is not meant to be enjoyed. Fuck…there it is again…shit…There’s obviously one pleasure point inside me.
ADDER: Does that mean he has a clitoris?
CALEB: In his anus? (mutters) First some fanfic writer puts a hymen up there, now this...
KESTREL: Stop talkin’ about that. Please? (glances at 2D) ...Are yew cryin’, mate?
2D: (sniffle) Noooo...
I shiver and want to be able to scream how good this feels…
(Kestrel opens her mouth, but Adder beats her to the punch.)
ADDER: (sings) ...a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch! Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, he’s a stupid bitch! Murdoc is a bitch, and he’s just a dirty bitch!
Alright, so I’ve been pounding into his ass for about 7 minutes say, and I know I’m very close to coming, but I don’t know about Stu, so I grab him.
KESTREL: (alarmed) Grab ‘im where?
One hand on the stomach, one tugging his hair and pull him up with me until he’s kneeling on all fours. I have to slow the pace so I can stand, but I can very clearly see that he’s as hot as I am right now. Little fucker.
ADDER: Actually, I think Murdoc’s the one doing the--
(Kestrel moves to swat her, but Murdoc gets there first, hitting her over the head with a seat cushion.)
CALEB: Did you just hit a girl?
(Murdoc flips him off.)
“You’re not meant to enjoy this y’know,” I growl.
He whimpers what was probably a response, but I can’t hear him and really don’t care.
CALEB: ...the demons.
ADDER: (monotone) And then Murdoc was a zombie...
2D: Ewww. I don’t like zombies that much.
CALEB: (glancing at Murdoc) Well, he’s halfway there, anyway. Green skin, horrific stench, steals organs...
Yes, I fucking know I’m not meant to enjoy this. I feel so dirty. This isn’t natural. This isn’t right. I’m being raped, which is totally wrong.
ADDER: Did 2D just figure that out all by himself? Congratulations! You get a gold star.
I know that. Then why does it feel good?! Why does it feel so fucking good!?
KESTREL: (sings) ‘Cos yore ‘ot then yore cold, yer yes then yore no, yore in then yore out, yer up then yore down--
ADDER: And now I can never listen to Kate Perry again. Thanks, Kestrel. Thanks ever so much.
I feel like crying because this is taking way too long. I’ve been able to jack off while watching infomercials faster than this.
CALEB: It’s very slowly coming this way!
MURDOC: And I’m very quickly getting away! (stands up and is yanked back down by Caleb)
KESTREL: (makes obscene gesture with her forearm) Drr... Drr... Drr ...
(Kestrel pats him on the head, but doesn’t answer.)
I start to wriggle my hips, because it feels…wonderful…
HEMLOCK: (sings loudly and off-key from inside the booth) ... the lecher bitch an’ he wears the X of castigation, he is the whore of the extreme!
(Riffers blink. Hemlock leans out.)
HEMLOCK: Well, you finished the last song, I’m just tryin’ to keep the theme. Just be glad I didn’t do “The Chimbley Sweep”. (goes back in and shuts the window)
He’s starting to move his hips in time with my thrusts, he obviously likes it. I grab wildly for his cock and start to knead it.
MURDOC: I’m just amazed I managed to find it without a microscope. (smirks obnoxiously at 2D, who glares at him)
ADDER: (sings) If I were not a camp counselor, there’s nothing I’d rather be! ‘Cause if I weren’t a camp counselor, a baker I would be! And as you pass me by, you’ll always hear me cry: Knead the dough, knead the dough, whoo! My--
KESTREL: Simon says, finish that line an’ I’ll stab yer.
CALEB: (staring at Adder, somewhat disgusted) Really, Adder? Really? You think now is an appropriate time to start singing Girl Scout camp songs?
ADDER: (slumps in her seat, staring sullenly at the screen) Anything to take my mind off this. If I don’t do something, I’m going to blow chunks.
KESTREL: Again wi’ the frowin’ up?
MURDOC: Then can you at least turn your head the other way?
Not too hard, not too soft. The same sort of pressure I use when I jack off should do it. If it’s going to be pleasurable for him, it’s going to be earth-shattering scream-my-name-bitch pleasurable.
ADDER: If we’re going to get a repeat performance of Tifa from Chocobo Nights, I’m committing seppuku.
KESTREL: Or Murdoc could shoot yer wiv ‘is Malletspace shotgun.
MURDOC: (feels around behind his back) Damn it, where is that thing?
2D: Don’t you come near me!
CALEB: Jesus in Purgatory!
(Other riffers stare.)
CALEB: ...Oh come on, if people will find hidden meanings in “I Am the Walrus”, then they’ll find hidden meanings in this crap.
Oh fuck, he’s starting to jack me off! I thought he was meant to be raping me! Let’s get this straight. RAPE DOES NOT INVOLVE PLEASURING YOUR VICTIM. Jesus!
ADDER: See, he’s not Jesus! Why would he be taking his own name in vain?
CALEB: Then maybe Murdoc’s Jesus?
(All riffers suddenly burst out laughing.)
CALEB: (doubled up) That was probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever said!
MURDOC: (while laughing) Sweet Satan, this fic’s drivin’ us all bloody insane...
It’s almost as if he wants me to like it! And I will not admit that this does feel incredible and I wouldn’t mind it again…maybe. If he fucking ASKED of course, I’d be rather willing.
ADDER and KESTREL: Encased in holy fuckfire!
CALEB: (explodes) Damn it, you two! Enough with the Thirty H’s jokes already! No one else understands them but you, anyway!
KESTREL: (laughing helplessly) I’m sorry, I’m sorry, mate-- aharharharharr! But... I jest can’t get the thought outta me ‘ead...
CALEB: What thought?
KESTREL: (wiping her eyes) When next October rolls ‘round, somebeast has ter get Fuckslayer for Noodle.
CALEB: ... Best. Idea. Ever.
Oh fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. My grip tightens on D, and any second now…any fucking second…I call out to the night, call out the name I never thought would escape my lips in a moment like this.
KESTREL: (sings) When yew call my name, ‘tis like a little prayer, I’m down on me knees, I wanna take yew there...
ADDER: Isn’t that the song TV Tropes says is about oral sex?
Hell, I never thought I’d be fucking a guy, let alone this guy of all guys!
CALEB: He talks like isn’t the one who came into 2D’s room in the middle of the night and started raping him.
“Oh fuck Stu…” I almost scream. In those last few seconds, I push in deeper, harder and faster than anytime before
KESTREL: (Catches Caleb’s eye and quietly counts down) Three...two...one.
BOTH: FULL-ON, PELVIC-THRUST BASS-SHAGGIN!
ADDER: More of a soprano, really.
and I can hear his muffled scream and I can feel Stu’s cum spill out onto my hand …Fuckit, there it is. I can’t help myself and cum inside him at the very deepest point…
ADDER: Kestrel. I came...
KESTREL: Yew did wot no--
ADDER: ...to deliver a message.
KESTREL: (relieved) Oh. Wot?
ADDER: Card games on motorcycles.
KESTREL: Card games on motorcycles?
CALEB: (grins) Card games on motorcycles.
(Kenzie leans out of the booth window.)
KENZIE: Card games on motorcycles! (shuts the window again)
PPC RIFFERS: (glance at 2D and Murdoc expectantly)
2D: (hesitantly) ...Card games on motorcycles?
MURDOC: What the hell are you talking about?
HEMLOCK: (shouting from inside the booth, sounding confused but going along with it) Card games on motorcycles? Are the motorcycles made of dragons?
CALEB: (in a fake British accent, imitating Eddie Izzard) -a fuckin’ weirdo transvestite!
KESTREL: ‘E only ‘as that nighttime look, and that’s a bit slapdash, isn’t it?
ADDER: (in a similar accent) Murdoc’s more in the executive transvestite area.
CALEB: (normal voice) ...No, no, I think he’s more comparable to J. Edgar Hoover.
HEMLOCK: (leans out, nursing a gushing nosebleed) C‘n you stop makin’ me picture 2D in drag? This ain’t the best time! (He slams the booth window. 2D blinks in surprise.)
MURDOC: (unperturbed) Told you so.
His grip tightens on my cock and it almost hurts, but his hands are slicked with sweat so it doesn’t chafe and oh fuck, I can’t believe it, but before I know it I’m screaming out his name, well, trying to at least and then I’ve cum all into his hand…Fuck…
MURDOC: You know, not that I’m not glad she isn’t involved, but I can’t help thinkin’ Noodle wouldn’t be nearly this whiny about it if she was.
KESTREL: Prob’ly ‘cos she’d’ve torn yer balls off afore yew got this far.
2D: I ‘ave every right to complain! I’m losin’ my virginity ‘ere!
(Caleb, Kestrel, and Murdoc stare at him. Howls of laughter from the projection booth, interrupted by a series of loud thumps and and separate yells of pain as Hemlock falls off his chair, and Kenzie trips over him. Laughter continues.)
CALEB: Dude. You have TEN KIDS.
2D: I mean ... in ... my ... with the ... oh, you know wot I mean!
MURDOC: (under breath, sarcastic) Sure, we believe you, ya little Blue Fairy.
And that’s not bad enough, I can feel something burning and stinging and terribly warm and sticky buried deep inside me and fuck…oh fuck! I don’t know why, but I suddenly break down crying.
KESTREL: I know why. ‘Cos yer bein’ buggered agin yore will by a cove wot yer may or may not even like, wiv no lubricant or nuffin’. That’s why yer breakin’ down cryin’. (pauses for a moment to think) Also, prob’ly doesn’t help that the guy wot’s doin’ the buggerin’ is a stranger t’bathwater an’ prob’ly don’t smell too nice.
ADDER: I don’t think a former Corpsemaker has the right to say anything about that.
KESTREL: Darlin’, yew try spendin’ yer days stealin’ wot yer needs to eat, dodgin’ other beasts wot’re tryin’ t’steal wot they needs to eat, fightin’ when yer boss tells yer to, an’ sleepin’ whenever ye can, and then yew make fun o’ me for not ‘avin’ proper ‘ygiene. ‘Sides, once Caleb showed me ‘ow ter use a toothbrush, I got better about that.
2D: (stares at Kestrel with new-found unease) Were you in the army or summfink?
KESTREL: Shore, le’s go wiv that.
And then it all turns black…
CALEB: A massive dickwagon.
(Other riffers turn and stare.)
CALEB: Well, we’re running out of riffs for these, and I wanted to cover all our bases.
ADDER: Since the fic’s covering third base already...
HOLY FUCK, HE’S DIED!
KESTREL, ADDER, AND CALEB: (slowly exchange glances)
CALEB: ...Ladies first.
KESTREL: (as 2D) I’m not dead yet!
ADDER: He says he’s not dead.
CALEB: (as Murdoc) Yes he is!
KESTREL: (as 2D) I’m not!
CALEB: (as Murdoc) Well, he will be soon, can you just take him?
…No…wait, he’s just fainted. Still.
KESTREL: (as 2D) I’m getting better!
CALEB: (as Murdoc) No you’re not, you’ll be stone dead in a moment.
ADDER: I can’t take him like that, it’s against regulations!
2D: (joins in) I don’t want to go on the cart!
(Other riffers stare at him in surprise.)
2D: What? I’m English, I have to be able to quote Monty Python!
HOLY FUCK, HE’S FAINTED!
2D: (as Murdoc, sarcastic) Though I dunno why I care since I’m the one that put ‘im in that state!
MURDOC: ... just pining for the fjords. Lovely blue plumage he’s got too. (sniggers, reaches over and pats 2D’s head, causing 2D to shudder violently)
ADDER: He’s not pining, he’s passed on!
CALEB: Weren’t you insisting he was alive a couple riffs ago?
…Ah. I shake my head. Ouch. Headache.
MURDOC: (to 2D) Aw, don’t worry, Faceache, it’s just a fle-
2D: Okay, it’s not funny anymore!
I’ve never blacked out after orgasm before. How embarrassing. Well, this whole ordeal isn’t that flattering.
One) Because I find it hot to be anally raped by boys.
ADDER: (looks scandalized) What. Look, I like yaoi as much as the next fangirl, but... yeesh...
2D: I don’t! I really don’t!
Two) Because that boy was Murdoc! Jesus! And
MURDOC: Well, which was it? Me or Jesus?
ADDER: Not this again...
CALEB: You’d think it’d be easy to tell the difference.
Three) Because I’ve just cum all over his hands. Oh man.
2D: ... a nob. Dennis Hopper was right.
MURDOC: (reaches across and slaps 2D) Shaddup.
Oh, thank fuck, he’s awake. I draw my cock out and hear a whimper from D.
KESTREL: Wait, ‘e jest took it out? ‘Ow long was 2D out? Hellgates, Mudsie, does that mean yew was jest sittin’ there wiv yore penis in while 2D was lyin’ senseless? ‘Cos I know yer said that fing about ‘avin’ time when ‘e was in a coma, but I didn’t fink yew was serious.
MURDOC: I wasn’t.
CALEB: This brings to mind the Redwall smutfic where Martin wakes up to find he’s been sleep-sodomizing Gonff.
ADDER: If he takes another tip from that one and tries to stick it in 2D’s mouth now, I’m gonna Bloodwrath.
KESTREL: I’ll be shore ter aim yew at Murdoc.
I look around for my jeans and wipe my hands on them. Ew, I’ve got his cum all over my hands now. And he just lies there, sweaty and shiny and fucking hot looking.
MURDOC: I don’t know about “hot looking”, but the only shiny thing around here is the vampire. (thinks for a moment) Come to think of it, is this the reason you lot sparkle all the ti-
(Caleb wordlessly grabs him and hurls him at the opposite wall. A rather sickening thud results. 2D and Adder cringe.)
KESTREL: (barely giving it a second glance) Yew was bein’ nice, Caleb.
CALEB: (through gritted teeth) It won’t happen again.
(Murdoc staggers back to his seat, scowling.)
I gently take my shirt from his mouth. He doesn’t scream. He exhales shakily and begins to sob just a tiny little bit.
(2D begins to sob just a tiny little bit.)
“Love ya Stuey,” I whisper into his ear, giving his earlobe a tiny lick. He shivers. I give him a spank to the butt and leave.
MURDOC: For the love of-- I’m not gay, y’stupid author!!
CALEB: It’s not like you give much evidence of that to the fans. You’re the only straight guy I know who will willingly put on high heels.
KESTREL: Wot about--
CALEB: Neither Hemlock nor Drake count as “straight guys” more than about twenty-five percent of the time, Kestrel.
KESTREL: Oh. Nah, I jest fink ‘e wears ‘em ‘cos he’s short.
MURDOC: Go to hell. Five-nine is not short.
ADDER: (stage whisper) He’s short in more ways than one...
MURDOC: GO. TO HELL. Or, on second thoughts, don’t. I don’t want to have to put up with you there as well.
2D: ...missing the whale at this point.
ADDER: Adder is thanking every deity she can think of that she did not have to spork this.
CALEB: Caleb is never going to be able to listen to their music again without taking Pepto Bismol first.
KESTREL: Kestrel is goin’ ter ‘ave a word in private wiv this writer.
MURDOC: Murdoc is fine with that plan. D’you need to borrow the Cyborg?
KENZIE: (leans out of the booth) Kenzie is very glad she decided to hide out in the projection booth.
HEMLOCK: (leans out next to Kenzie) Hemlock is giggling childishly at your pain. (He giggles childishly. They shut the window.)
…He’s gone. It’s over.
2D: (deadpan) An’ then on the way out ‘e ran into Russel, who ripped his limbs off.
KESTREL: (as Russel) MURDOC NICCALS, YEW MOTHERFUCKAH!
MURDOC: I would actually prefer that. About bloody time, really.
Oh god. I try to roll over onto my back. But my arse feels incredibly sore and I don’t think I can move from here.
I’ve just been raped.
CALEB: ...it’s not canon, so why worry?
(Long pause as the riffers consider this.)
There’s a new aching in my nether regions.
I close my eyes and sniffle. I should probably try to get a tiny bit of sleep. I always sleep well after a good orgasm. But I don’t think I’ll sleep to well after being anally raped.
ADDER: Well, gee, I wonder why.
But, somehow…I begin to slowly drift to sleep and everything’s okay for a second…But there it is. That little voice.
CALEB: Little voice? That could mean a number of things.
ADDER: (as Navi) Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Link! Listen!
KESTREL: (imitating an electronic voice) Prease to frasten sleatbert.
When are you at your most vulnerable?
When you’re asleep.
MURDOC: The fanbrats hath murdered sleep, 2D shall sleep no more.
(Lights go up. Kenzie and Hemlock lean out of the booth. Hemlock is grinning evilly.)
HEMLOCK: Had fun?
MURDOC: (stares blankly at the screen) Funny, this is the first time I can remember actually wanting to take a shower. Preferably in fire.
2D: I-I-I ... (bursts into uncontrollable tears) I’m n-never g-gonna be able t’ sleep aga-ha-hain ...
HEMLOCK: Okay, that’s a “yes” to the caffeinated Bleepsinthe, then.
KENZIE: ... (to Hemlock) Hang on one sec, will you? (disappears from the window)
(The door to the theater bursts open. Kenzie dashes in and side-tackles 2D out of his chair.)
KENZIE: (hugging him around the stomach) If you were any more adorable, you’d be MADE OF BUNNIES!
(Hemlock vanishes from the projection booth window and reappears at the theatre door, lugging a crate of Bleepsinthe.)
HEMLOCK: Okay, guys, I checked and the “no drinking” restriction only applies to when the fic’s actually rolling. Apparently it’s meant to stop people either puking or losing their ability to riff. Though it doesn’t look like it helps much on the former point. So ... (yanks lid off crate) Enjoy. Hope this stuff’s strong enough to affect you guys. (flumps down on the floor, carefully showing off his brand-new Cuban-heeled boots)
2D: (struggles free of Kenzie) I’m not sure it’s okay to drink this stuff wiv all the pills I’m on ...
HEMLOCK: Aw, c’mon. You can’t die until Jamie and Damon say so, and it can’t make you wish you were dead any more than that story just did.
(2D scowls at him, but takes a bottle.)
MURDOC: (takes a bottle, glances approvingly at Hemlock’s boots) Y’know, kid, smartmouthed faggy weirdo with unaccountably bad taste in men you may be, but you’re still a lot easier to deal with than your sister.
ADDER: (takes two) PMS, or lack thereof, makes a world of difference. Same goes for Bloodwrath.
KESTREL: (snatches one of Adder’s and takes a swig) C’n we not talk about PMS? ‘S bloody vulgar, no pun intended.
ADDER: (pokes Kestrel) Vulgar, you say? And who’s the one who brags about how many more nipples she--
CALEB: (sipping) Can we change the subject? At least until I can get myself completely splifficated so I don’t have to understand what you’re saying?
KESTREL: (ignoring him) Got eight of ‘em, darlin’. Or... was it ten? Can’t remember...
CALEB: Well, right now you have two.
KESTREL: Count again after yew drink more, matey.
MURDOC: (smirking in disturbing manner) I have no idea what you’re talking about, but I’d be willing to give you a hand with counting.
ADDER: Careful what you wish for.
KESTREL: (gives him a withering look) Shore thing, bucko. (turns off her Disguise Generator, returning to ferret form)
ADDER: (splutters, spraying Bleepsinthe on 2D by accident)
CALEB: Mr. Niccals, I think you’ve just been cockblocked by reality.
MURDOC: (stares blankly for a few seconds, then mutters thoughtfully to himself) Well, I dunno, it seems to work for Tank Girl ...
KESTREL: (toys with her dagger) May’aps yew forgot wot I said earlier?
ADDER: Um, Mr. Niccals? You might want to look up the mating processes of wild ferrets...
HEMLOCK: No, he may not. I know personally what ferret heat is like, and it’s bad enough without potentially inflicting Murdoc on the sufferer. Uh, speaking of which, think the joke’s worn off now? (gestures to self)
KESTREL: ...Aye, I fink so. (tosses him the Disguise Generator) Yew look weird wivout the influence o’ estrogen, darlin’.
HEMLOCK: Just watch. Okay, Mr- uh, Murdoc, take this, point it at me, and press the button marked “Delete”, got that? (hands him the Disguise Generator) Just so you believe me when I tell you what’s going on.
(Murdoc, looking thoroughly confused, does as asked. Hemlock reverts back to his usual form, revealing that he is in fact not Laburnum’s “brother” but is Laburnum herself.)
LABURNUM: (smirking) Hey, guys.
(Murdoc stares at her, his jaw hanging open. Kenzie freezes in place, also staring slackjawed. Kestrel and Adder explode with laughter.)
KESTREL: Aharharharharharharharr! Yew two should see yore faces!
ADDER: Priceless! God, what I’d pay for a camera...
KENZIE: (wails) I’ve been staring at a CHICK this entire time?! Aaaauuuuugggghhh... though after those weird things you said it’s kind of a relief.
MURDOC: (continues to stare at Laburnum) ... YOU?! It was you in there?! You’re a ...
LABURNUM: Girl. I was born female and this is how I normally look. Hemlock’s kind of a hobby for me. And while we’re on this topic, you may like to know that the girly-looking redhead who stripped off in the booth last time is a shapeshifting fox who sometimes turns into an actual girl as well as becoming human, and no, you can’t have his number.
MURDOC: (sags) Damn ... um, I mean, uh ...it’s been you all this time?!
KESTREL: (claps him on the shoulder) We wanted t’see if’n yew was too stoopid to figger it out yoreself. Sorry yore not gettin’ any numbers, though. (reaches over and clips 2D under the chin, winking) Yew, on the other paw, can ‘ave me number any day, an’ anyfin’ else ye want.
2D: Um, Murdoc? The creepy lady’s touching me and I’m not sure whether I should be more scared of her or you and she’s still touching meeeee ... (shuffles backwards)
CALEB: (rubbing his face) Bit of an age difference, there, Kestrel.
LABURNUM: Yeah, he’s thirty-two and in human years you’re ... (counts on fingers) ... four and a bit.
KESTREL: (shrugs) Age is only a number, darlin’. (to Caleb) An’ says the centuries-old vampire whose on’y Lust Object is that goth bint in ‘er twennies.
CALEB: (peeved) Abby Sciuto is not my only Lust Object!
MURDOC: (lunges at Laburnum and starts throttling her) YOU LYING LITTLE- I can’t believe I was actually starting to like you!
LABURNUM: (struggles free and jumps up, sniggering) I notice how you only started liking me when you met me as a boy. Got enough room in that closet with your pretty boots? Should have known, you’re living on a bright pink island ....
MURDOC: I’M GONNA KILL YOU! (chases her down the aisle and around the room)
2D: (runs after them) No, Murdoc, don’t, she’s the one who knows where the door keys are!
MURDOC: Then you get that weasel bint’s knife and I’ll carve a new one out of this bitch’s finger bones!
LABURNUM: Whoo-hoo! My two-thousand-three-hundred-and-seventeenth death threat from characters I like!
(Murdoc and Laburnum run past Kestrel, who sticks out her footpaw and trips Murdoc.)
KESTREL: (stands over him, smiling dangerously) Mudsie, me bucko, two things yer did jest now wot I don’t like. Firstly, yew called me a weasel. I ain’t a weasel, baldie. I’m a ferret. Get it right the first bloody time! Secondly, nobeast, an’ I mean nobeast, takes me knives from me, or considers takin’ me knives from me, wivout me say-so! Now ye got me debatin’ on whether I should reconsider lethal force on yew.
KENZIE: What are you talking about? Don’t do that! He can’t make more albums if he’s dead!
CALEB: You’d also lose your job. Put the shivs away.
KESTREL: (grumbles, not quite conceding) Jest tryin’ ter keep him from killin’ agents. An’ makin’ mistakes about me species.
ADDER: (raises her hands) Gentlemen! Ladies! As the only neutral party who knows next to nothing about Gorillaz and could therefore care less, I think I have a fair compromise.
ADDER: I call my proposal, “Peckish Sapient Zombie Aimed at the Green Bastard”.
2D: Wot’s she talkin’ abou--
(Adder opens a portal. Jack the Hunter hurtles through the portal with a shriek, slamming into Murdoc and knocking him to the ground.)
CALEB: (smug) Murdoc is Jack’s smirking revenge.
JACK: (grins) Hello, food.
MURDOC: (incoherent screaming)
(2D hides behind Laburnum.)
LABURNUM: (shakes head and tuts) Yeah, I’m betting that hurts rather a lot more than ... you know. Kind of fun to know I’m not the one responsible for unnecessary violence towards canonicals this time.
KESTREL: (starts forward) Jack, yew know ye ain’t s’posed ter--
CALEB: (stops her) No, no, wait.
KESTREL: Wot? Why?
CALEB: We can always take him to Medical later. (taps Jack on the shoulder) Stop when you start reaching the really important stuff, will you?
2D: (peeking out at Murdoc) ...Is that my kidney? You took both my kidneys?! You only need one!
KENZIE: (taps 2D on the arm) Hey, sorry about that glomp earlier. (holds up Rise of the Ogre, grinning eagerly) I hate to ask this, but could I get an autograph? My older brother would die.
2D: Um, I haven’t got a pen ...
LABURNUM: (picks up a bloody bone fragment) Here, this’ll do. Just remember Murdoc probably needs it back.
KESTREL: (looks crestfallen) You shore? ‘Twould make a luvverly present fer Molly.
CALEB: Kestrel, don’t encourage small children to keep stolen body parts.
JACK: (pauses, sounding somewhat worried) Uh, guys? I think I went a little too far. He feels kinda... dead.
ADDER: (nudges Murdoc with her foot) Nothing the Medical Department can’t fix. Laburnum, take his legs, will you?
2D: (scrawls “2D” on the front of the book with the piece of bone and drops it quickly) Okay there’s your autograph so please can I go back to the whale now?!
[Chelonianmobile: Well, I said this couldn’t be MSTed because dialogue like that practically riffs itself. Thanks(?) to PitViperOfDoom for proving me wrong. This one got a little chattier than is generally ideal for MSTings, but the character interactions were so much fun we didn’t want to drop any. Murdoc is (*snerk*) an awesome riffer. And poor 2D goes through way too much. Set in 2010, when Laburnum’s more open about her alter ego.]
[PitViperOfDoom: Well this was fun. Sort of. Sure, the riffs are a bit long, but they distract us from the actual fic, so it’s probably for the best. And yes, Murdoc is incredibly fun to riff with, but he’s also incredibly fun to torment. Hence the wallet-stealing, wall-slamming, and evisceration. Be happy for Jack; at least someone had fun in this.]